I Am Here
by BishounenStalker1
Summary: What's Shinji thinking? Warning has suicide thoughts and other bad stuff


I didn't know if I should put this in a pg-13 or R rating so I'm going to put it in R just in case -_^  
  
When I first wrote this I was 12 and was thinking of myself and not a character. Some weeks pass and when I read it again I was shocked because it resembles Shinji so much. I thought why not? So I went ahead and put it on here ^_^   
  
If some parts doesn't seam like Shinji, I'm sorry but this was originally typed about myself, not Shinji and maybe some parts isn't him. This takes place around the last two episodes.   
  
I wouldn't call this a story, just mixed words of feelings.   
  
This is also my 2nd fic so be kind when reviewing!  
  
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Dying is a good thing. It refreshed the soul that dwells within a body. A body that lasted years on in. A body that has been hurt so many times, and healed using it's needs from there body. Dying is something people are not sure of.   
  
Dying is something people sometimes fear. But what if dying takes you away from the pain? Could it help your soul? Could it erase your vary existence and start over again? But who really cares anyway? Why do we have to live anyway? Cant we all just die? What's the difference anyway? There is no point in it. There's no real point in anything in these world. Tv, games, school, people, there is no meaning in it! Sure, it is something to do. It is something so that it will not get boring. See? In real life the world is boring. The world has no meaning.  
  
I am here...but what is here?  
  
Is here living?  
  
Is it dying?  
  
Or perhaps it is suffering.   
  
In a world,  
  
but is these a world?  
  
A place ware suffering is most likely to happen,  
  
but is these "world" a place in my mind?   
  
Or is it reality?  
  
It's reality.  
  
Pain is reality.  
  
Suffering is reality.  
  
The simplest things will drive someone of track....away from reality or....perhaps more to reality.  
  
But maybe I could make these "world " a dream, a nightmare.  
  
So that when I wake up it will only be a dream, a simple nightmare.  
  
But it is only in my dreams that I not suffer.  
  
But why must I go on then?  
  
Why do I have to face reality every day?  
  
Why is there so much pain?  
  
I am to afraid of death.  
  
I am a coward, to afraid to face....to afraid of death.  
  
Why am I afraid of death?  
  
Perhaps I am afraid because I don't know what happens.  
  
I am afraid because I don't know if I would suffer more in hell/heaven then on earth.   
  
But then what do I do?  
  
Do I give up?  
  
Or continue.  
  
It is my choice, but do I have the right to make choices?  
  
Whenever I do make a choice it ends up turning bad.  
  
So  
  
What do I do?  
  
There is nothing at all.  
  
No one will make the choice for me.  
  
I am to afraid to make these choice.  
  
I am Afraid  
  
I am alone  
  
And no one will help me  
  
Will care to help me  
  
Will care for me at all  
  
But know I am sounding like I am feeling sorry for myself.  
  
I shouldn't feel these way  
  
I can't feel these way  
  
I don't have the right to  
  
I don't have the right to die  
  
I don't have the right to survive  
  
I don't have the right to love  
  
I don't have the right to do anything  
  
I hate these   
  
I wish reality wasn't real  
  
I want to be alone, not with other people  
  
But at the same time, I cry desperately for them  
  
Why is these?  
  
Is it something in my mind that I don't want to touch?  
  
Or maybe it is something I don't know for myself  
  
Something I will never find out  
  
But at the same time, I know why  
  
Why is these I ask to myself A thousand times a day  
  
It is because I want to escape from reality  
  
I want to run away  
  
Run away from my mind that thinks of the past  
  
The past I never want to think about  
  
The past that can only be raped out of my mind before you grasp it  
  
What am I?  
  
A person?  
  
Another being on these "planet"?  
  
Probably  
  
Another person no one cares about  
  
Another person that gets bad looks everyday  
  
Of what I look like  
  
Is these what it's all about?  
  
What I look like?  
  
No  
  
That isn't it  
  
It is something else I have yet to figure out   
  
Just another Something I don't want to think about  
  
What else is there?  
  
Anything?  
  
Yes more, more pain   
  
To much to grasp  
  
So much to not want to get up from my bed everyday  
  
I am not worthy to  
  
I am not worthy of living  
  
I am not worthy of putting on clothes  
  
I am not worthy to have friends  
  
I am not worthy of anything  
  
That is why I should stop running away from reality  
  
Stop giving myself pleasure in escaping from it  
  
That is why I shouldn't exist  
  
In these "world" of pain  
  
Why can't it end?  
  
Right know?  
  
Why is "he" making me suffer?  
  
Why?  
  
Does he enjoy it?  
  
To see me and perhaps others in pain?  
  
Maybe there is no God  
  
I am sure he wouldn't put someone in these pain  
  
I deserve hell  
  
I deserve pain  
  
I have caused enough of it  
  
I am the one that is wrong  
  
Always wrong  
  
I am the one that hates everyone  
  
I am the one that doesn't like everybody  
  
I deserve to go to hell then  
  
To burn and suffer   
  
But I am afraid  
  
I am afraid of death  
  
I am afraid of God  
  
I am afraid of Heaven  
  
I am afraid of Hell  
  
I am afraid of everything  
  
So why must these go on?  
  
It seems like there is no pleasure   
  
Anywhere  
  
Maybe I should just do nothing  
  
But what good will that do?  
  
What good will anything do?  
  
I just want end it all  
  
But now I know  
  
I know that I will not escape   
  
I will never escape  
  
So I   
  
Am nothing To anything  
  
Nothing at all  
  
Just another person in the millions in the world  
  
At least I could end these....not like my suffering  
  
But I cant do that  
  
Because I don't want to face my father  
  
I can see the mad and hatred in his eyes   
  
I can't blame him, I am a stubborn stupid little brat  
  
But at the same time I don't want him to stare at me like that  
  
And that makes my cry   
  
It makes me scared  
  
I wanted so badly to run away  
  
If there was a gun there I would have used it  
  
Not on my father, but me  
  
It was me that made that happen and it was my fault  
  
So I am responsible  
  
I am responsible for everything bad  
  
My friends don't care for me anymore  
  
I wore the same thing everyday and I still do  
  
I do it so that people don't judge me  
  
Say if I'm good or bad  
  
But end the end, they think I am low   
  
And nothing will ever change me  
  
Why?  
  
I Don't know why  
  
That is something I can't explain  
  
I can't take these anymore  
  
Why can't anyone...someone help me  
  
I am so stupid to think anyone could help me  
  
No one understands me  
  
I don't understand myself  
  
Why should I even help myself?  
  
I should just forget it all  
  
Just forget  
  
Be like nothing  
  
Be nothing  
  
That's what you are shinji  
  
I hate my name  
  
I shouldn't have it capitalized  
  
I shouldn't have one at all!  
  
I am.... no one 


End file.
